This is an interdepartmental memo to make you aware of a shift in corporate style and function. You may have noticed that over the past year our company’s overall fuel intake has been largely fresh, un-processed, vegetable- and fruit-heavy, often raw, including many whole grains, and generally in lesser amounts than in the past.
This has had the net result of a more efficiently working system, a moderate decrease in extra fuel storage around the belly and thighs, and improved overall health. As the department whose primary area of concern is distribution of nutritional and caloric resources throughout the body, we feel it important to point out to you this difference in style, and to affirm its positive effects on the entire working body.
It has also become apparent that the increased efficiency in some areas has been matched by a significant decrease in tolerance for the processed, chemical, meat-heavy diet once familiar to the organism as a whole.
Therefore might we suggest in the future, if we should find ourselves in the local greasy spoon at lunch or dinnertime:
- no matter what is happening in life at any given time,
- added familial stress and optimal conditions for emotional eating and comfort-food seeking behaviors notwithstanding,
- regardless of the severely limited healthy choices on the menu,
- irrespective of whether it is that day or two each month when the female-specific hormonal centers crave red meat, and
- totally disregarding the slackers in the “memory” offices who say nonchalantly, “Hey, what’s the big deal, you used to eat like this all the time”
We invite and encourage you to please make a note of the newly emergent reality that the way-too-big burger and fries are not a good choice. A bowl of soup and fresh fruit would have been just fine. One of the veggie-laden breakfast items would have been nice too.
Should mood, energy, and overall function appear to decrease over the next 24 hours, which effect has already been dramatically observed in our own department and will likely spread to others, we recommend that dinner tonight consist of yogurt and fruit, that considerable amounts of water be consumed throughout afternoon and evening, and that herbal teas and other system-strengthening remedies could be wisely applied.
Please post this memo in a prominent place, to avoid repeated instances of this situation in the future.
The Stomach and Gastro-Intestinal Tract